Navy Life

This is for all our family members who think we live a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those family members that have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.

Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up and paint the basement "deck gray".

Every couple of weeks dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturday and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during week, so all showering is secured.

Raise your bed to with in 6 inches of the ceiling.

Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout; "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the follow day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight then lock your bathroom door and hang a sign that says "Secured".

Submit a request form to your father-in-law, via the rest of the family, asking if it's OK for you to leave our house before 3pm.

Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months are up, take down the boards. Wave at your friends and family through the front window as they leave since you're on duty and can't leave until the next day.

Shower with the above mentioned friends.

Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher, blender, etc..) by taking written and practical tests.

Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 25 minutes.

Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to insure your engine is properly "lit off".

Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times day, whether they need it or not.

Repaint your entire house once a month.

Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.

Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for our TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

Spend 2 weeks at a port, anchored 2 miles from shore with your liberty secured due to rough seas and call it "world travel"

Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

Needle gun the aluminum siding on you house after your neighbors have gone bed.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations.

Post a menu on the refrigerateo door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more or they just asK for hot dogs.

In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of our driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

Lock yourself and your family in you house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyworld for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyworld has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for an inspection and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Take all of your clothes out of your closet and dresser and put them under your kitchen sink. Live out of that space for 6 months.

Put all of your dirty clothes in a bag, throw it in the nearest river, along with the rest of the neighborhood's laundry, let soak for 15 minutes. Drag everyone's laundry all the way home on the ground, mix it all up and distribute everyone's stuff to different houses.